lingering.

i really dont even know where to start with this
but i guess i can just start where ever i'm destined to start at
i refuse to let these emotions and thoughts engrave me.

i honestly cant stop thinking about you,
and its the weirdest thing
cos i remember when we were together
all i COULD think about is breaking up
and how much i didnt want to be in a relationship anymore
i guess that all backlashed on me

i hate that i did it
and i hate how i couldnt stop thinking about it afterwards
i hate how i broke up with you,
it was the wrong way and the wrong time
seeing you the other day was so difficult

i became incredibly nostalgic
and everything from our past came to me so fast

i couldnt focus on what my friend was saying
on the bands playing
on the commotion happening all around
all i honestly had on my mind was you

and i wish the half-assed hug i gave you before saying bye
lasted longer
it sounds cheesy
but its true.

i miss our conversations on IM and our long walks to nowhere
i really do.
i feel like i cant move on unless i let this all out
no matter the outcome,
i need to write this for me

i planned to keep it all bottled up inside
since i hold back on saying so many things, but this is one thing that is forcing itself out
its hard to say these things because i blame myself for breaking up
i know its all my fault, if i just waited out the 'phase?' i was in
everything would have been fine
i know it
i really do, because your an awesome person and i dont get why anyone would WANT to leave your side
i didnt understand me then
i'm still confused about where my mind was at, at the time

breaking up with you was stupid of me.
i knew the moment i did it
so i felt that the only way i could 'redeem' myself was by telling you that i would still go to prom with you
it was fucked up of me to break up with you a couple days before your senior prom
but i didnt plan for it to be at that time
and i couldnt deal with the feeling of leading you on.
i felt almost obligated to break up with you then
obviosly that didnt work out as i planned, personally BAA prom was one of the most awkward days of my life
i wanted to stay in contact with you afterwards,
i really did. because althogh our relationship was over
i hoped to keep you there as a friend

i guess that was the reason i didnt want to bother jumping into a relationship
the fear of losing you as a friend was leeched to my mind
and i couldnt control it
i can honestly say now that, because of entering the relationship with the fear of eventually breaking up.. i lost myself, and lost the bases of what a relationship should stand on:
love, compatibility, and understanding
not! fear, miscommunication, and confusion.

and i'll be honest.
i did jump into another relationship as soon as i broke up with you
i guess to get over you
but of course that ALSO backlashed on me tenfold
that relationship was horrible
and the entire time i was dating him i thought about you so much..
more than ever. more than when WE were even together
i cant explain it...
the guilt of thinking of you while dating him, forced me to end that relationship too.
(of course a lot of other things factored into the ending of that relationship, likewise ours)
i kept thinking about how kind you were to me.
(not saying that this other guy wasnt good to me, but we just didnt work together)
i feel like you felt that i didnt like you, but i did.
i liked everything about you, and at times it felt like you deserved better than me
i didnt express my like for you enough
and i should've to assure you of my interest

but i guess things really do happen for a reason
which at times are unknown or blatantly obvious.
but i guess if i would have expressed my deep like for you since the day i met you
the break-up would have been a little harder on me...
i'm not someone to share emotions unless asked by someone thats close to me and that i feel comfortable with

i'm sitting here trying to think of what reason i gave you for breaking up
and nothing comes to mind
which sucks
because the one thing i cant cope with is the thought of not being in my 'right' mind
(which is the #1 reason i dont smoke pot, do drugs, or drink alcohol)
i really was in a confusing phase
one that i guess i lost myself in...
i'm too young to truly understanding who i am
and why i do the things i do.
but i do feel like i've got a grip on things in my life a little better now
i'm doing so much better in school since i transferred outta snowden
and just the thought of a clear and good future makes my days worthy

whatever you decide to do in the future
i hope it all turns out in your best interest
because whether you see it or not
you are a great person no matter what anyone says
and you really deserve to succeed in life.

i'm not asking you to take me back.
and i wouldnt blame you for not wanting to ever be with me again
i do feel like i left you in confusing place when i broke up with you
i hope this brought you a little more closure and understanding atleast in my part
it is the least i can do for you.
once again, whatever happens, happens for a reason
life WILL inevitably go on.

and on that note. i'm calling it a night.

-Stefanie B.